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First, heated pricks near my tear ducts that turned to quick droplets across my cheeks, that turned to full, heaving sobs into my pillow. I was exactly where I wanted to be, but the realization hurt more than I’d expected it to. When I made the decision to leave, for months I imagined what it would feel like to have a place of my own for the first time in my life. Freedom. I had Pinterest boards for decor styles. Web browser tabs left open with furniture pieces I wanted to buy. Jokes shared with my sister about how I was about to be “outside.” When I’d gotten to this point, I thought that I’d be packing up the grief from what I thought would be my life. No one tells you the grieving process doesn’t start until you’ve left it. The life you prayed for. The grief associated with losing a future before it had a chance to begin. Watching it dissolve in real-time. What made this so hard was that while I’d been mentally preparing for what was to come, the part of me in tune with my emotions was not yet in a safe enough space to make her presence known. Unknowingly, it was taking everything out of me to function and smile through everything going on behind closed doors. 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